Thursday, 7 May 2015

Five tips on...preparing your office for Zombies

Five tips on…preparing your office for Zombies

Before launching into my Dead Planet zombie travel series, I thought it would be good to take a look back and share some ideas on zombie proofing the office. I’m not sure how these tips will roll in South East Asia, but in an Australia workplace they should help keep you stay safe during the worst 8hrs of the day:
  • Start selling chocolates and other lollies to your colleagues. Tell them it’s for a ‘good cause’…just don’t tell them that the cause is them getting fat so you have a better chance of outrunning them when the outbreak occurs. If you’re the baking kind you can even go a step further and tempt them with delicious cakes and pastries! 

  • Speaking of out running co-workers, compliment them whenever they wear clothes that are counterproductive to survival during the zombie apocalypse, e.g. THAT MINI-SKIRT IS TOTALLY WORK-PLACE APPROPRIATE AND IT DOESN’T RESTRICT YOUR MOVEMENT AT ALL! This will re-enforce the foolish attire and add to your advantage during the sprint-for-your-life stage of the zombocalypse. 

  • Hide weapons around the office. If someone finds them, make sure you can explain their presence by linking them to an office task - this way you can make a case for why they should be allowed to stay, e.g. I use that Samurai sword to open the mail…do you want me to stop opening the mail?...or I use that assault rifle to frighten away mice…you don’t want mice in your office do you? 
  • Also be prepared to use everyday office supplies as weapons. Go ahead and take more than your fair share of scissors, kitchen knives, those terrifying heavy-duty staplers and anything else that will result in serious zombie brain death. Having 16 ginormous staplers at your desk may be hard to explain, so have a few good lines ready in case you get questioned. For full effect, keep it vague and throw in some good office buzzwords, e.g. ‘this isn’t a problem, it’s a solution’, ‘taking them away would be a disincentive for me to staple’, ‘it’s a 16 point stapling plan’. If all else fails, just say a tried and true acronym…'all these staplers are a direct result of the KPIs’. 
  • And finally, know your escape plan…office folk are often burdened by business plans, risk management plans, stakeholder engagement plans, work plans, section plans, planning plans…but the one plan that will always be worth your while is a zombie escape plan! Think about your exit options, sensible supplies and be mentally prepared to staple your (zombified) co-workers in the head.

Rise against the risen!

Miss ace

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