Saturday, 11 February 2017

Miss Ace - Twisted Ankles

Twisted Ankles - 
the silent killers of the Zombie Apocalypse  

FACT: 80% of Zombie deaths can be linked back to a twisted ankle*

An ankle injury goes by many names – twists, rolls, sprains…but no matter what they’re called they all lead to the same unfortunate end – zombification. We all know the scene…a terrified human is running through the woods being chased by a zombie…they look back…they’re almost in the clear and then BAM, they hit the deck face first! 

What happened? Did someone push them? Did a small earthquake occur? Did a tribe of tiny mice join forces with the undead to make wee little traps to foil humans when zombies are in pursuit? 

No! They tripped over a tree root, a small rock or a rotting banana peel and now they can barely walk on that busted ankle, let alone run!
We all know what happens next, their fate is sealed as the zombie gets closer and closer…and the ranks of the undead are increased by one. 

Why does this happen? Did humans evolve to have puny ankles? Are the ankles predetermined as the Achilles heel of the human race?

I say no – puny ankles are one of many unfortunate frailties caused by modern life, e.g. silly shoes, abundance of flat surfaces, etc. Re-claiming the strength of the ankle needs to be a priority for every human hoping to survive the upcoming zombie onslaught.  

I first came across the idea of ankle protection through the work of movement teacher, Ido Portal. You can see this gnarly video about ankle alignment here: 

I went along to one of his seminars in late 2014 and (among other things) started using his ankle techniques. This totally came in handy during my year in Cambodia – I was walking with a friend at dusk, carrying a bucket of supplies, about 15 minutes away from home. I was living in the rural province of Kampong Chhnang at the time, where medical help was hard to come by. As I was strolling along, my vision of the ground was blocked by said bucket. So, without warning, I stepped in a hole and my ankle went full sideways and caused me to flip the bucket and stumble. However, despite this massive misstep, there was no injury to my ankle and I could keep walking on with no problems. Rolling an ankle in Kampong Chhnang would have been a major inconvenience, and if Zombies were nearby it would have been the end. Alex - 1; Zombie trap hole - 0

The hole that tripped me, Kampong Chhnang, Cambodia, circa May 2016

To keep your ankles (and the rest of your self) safe from zombification, I recommend checking out more from Ido Portal here:; as well as these other helpful resources: 

Gold Medal Bodies:

Katy Bowman (Nutritious Movement):

Rafe Kelley (Evolve Move Play)

Modern gyms may be packed with treadmills attached to TVs and big, shiny machines to help you build big, disproportionate muscles, some of them even claim to do ‘functional’ or ‘obstacle’ fitness…But, before you sign up your life away to McFitness, ask yourself this question…will they help me strengthen my ankles for the Zombocalypse?

Rise against the Risen! 

Miss Ace 

* no data exists for this fact

Friday, 18 November 2016

Survival run

So I have been trying to keep fit by doing the odd bit of running. It's hard. My lungs feel like fire, my heart seems about to explode and my legs ache. And that's just getting to the end of the driveway. Could they make running any more challenging?

Yes they can.

The 2016 Buckley's Chance survival run is being held this weekend at Mt Warning N.S.W. The same location the Australian Army uses to train soldiers in jungle warfare. The run is a combination of adventure race, ultra-marathon and obstacle course. Basic survival equipment is essential and it looks like you have to make your own backpack as part of the challenge. So this is no stroll in the park.

In fact you have to go through an application process to get on the survival run. A key requirement is having previously completed a 50km plus race or an ultra endurance event. There are also some useful things you should know, like learn to climb trees and that riding cows is prohibited. Oh, don't expect to finish the race.

For the less fit there is the easier option of a 50 km or 25 km off trail run.

Here's wishing them all the best, and hoping the leaches ain't hungry.

Mr Rimsky

Saturday, 15 October 2016

Zombie mermaids

Saw one of those quiz things on Facebook. How to select a Halloween character based on your initials. Well I was stoked to find mine started with 'zombie'. Unfortunately it ended with 'mermaid'.

Not that I have nothing against zombie mermaids, I just don't think I can pull off a fashionable fishtail look. But it got me thinking Ariel would look pretty good undead.

Zombies have been in the news here lately due to the local election. The candidates have really splashed some cash on corflute. The number of election posters lining the streets have been staggering. Some have referred to them as 'zombie fields'. Not sure if that is a reflection of the candidates having no personality or what. Some see it as a blight on our nature strips. I see the signs as a lightweight, waterproof building material for survival shelters. As a bonus they make great targets for practicing your zombie slaying skills.

I know, posts are few are far between at the moment. Looks like 2016 is the year of writing badly. I'll take drawing over creative writing any day. On a recent show Magda Szubanski stated it took her eight years to write her book Reckoning. And her book was a memoir that didn't require scientific research, info diagrams and an extensive list of synonyms for 'zombie'. This could take a while.  

Bite off more corflute than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Saturday, 3 September 2016


Wow, it is the start of September! That means it is spring and two thirds of the way through the year. And I am sooooo far behind in my project.

This week I discovered this delightful US website called Wazoo which sells survival gear. Including Wazombies!

Awesomely cool, although their zombie paracord bracelet packs more gear. And pretty trendy too. While Wazoo do ship overseas the gear is rather pricey, so I won't be buying one just yet.

However I have purchased a wonderful fashion accessory, a groin protector. Kind of like one of those codpieces that were all the rage back in the sixteenth century. Very stylish and required for self defense classes. Even have bruises from the last class. Think that was when one guy grabbed my shoulder and kneed me three times in the stomach (no injury - I was holding a kickpad and wearing my trusty groin protector).

And how amazing is Australia Survivor? Seriously, what is it like? I haven't seen a single episode. Unfortunately I live in a very democratic house and everyone else is voting to watch Zumbos Just Desserts instead. Sigh.

Bite off my Zumbo dessert than you can chew

Mr Rimsky


Saturday, 6 August 2016


Well it has been a busy week.

Took my first lesson in Krav maga, the Israeli combat system. They like to get physical and protective gear is mandatory for later classes. They also like to stress test you. 

The second edit of my manuscript is done. But I am not happy with the narrative flow so been restructuring the chapters. Who though making stuff up would be so hard. 

I am also taking swimming lessons to improve my 'floundering in the water' skills. Feels like I am getting worse but maybe all those rotation, core body and breathing drills will come together at some stage. On the plus side I am getting better at treading water.  

Oh yeah there is the other exercising to keep up with. Currently researching how to combine the Tabata protocols with a Paleo fitness regime, to unleash that inner caveman. Seriously.

My car arrived so there is lots of work to be done. Like reading the manual to work out what the hell Dynamic Vehicle Control and Continuous Variable Transmission are all about. There is also the long, long shopping list of survival gear to buy for the car, so I am ready for the zombies. It will be a slow process as I save up for the more expensive items like chainsaws, hazmat suits and industrial strength air fresheners.

Bite of more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky 

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Bug out vehicle

Unfortunately a little old lady took out the car I normally drive. 

No one was hurt but the smash repair place took one look at the 1996 Excel sprint and said it wasn't worth fixing. Kind of sad really, she was going to turn 20 years old in December.   

So I have been busy car hunting. Having read Creek Stewart's How to build the perfect bug out vehicle several times, I was looking for something that would serve me well in an apocalypse. You know, pepper spray holder on the dashboard, camouflage paint job and extra cup holders. 

For a while I was looking at restored ex-military vehicles. Even found a couple of War World Two vintage Willys jeeps for sale. It was tempting, they are simple, rugged and oh so retro in style. But driving an open topped jeep in minus 4 degrees isn't so exciting. Plus leasing a car means you have to buy almost new. So that ruled out the restored Kombi vans. Maybe one day. 

Buying a car is often about compromises, so instead of the manual diesel I ended up with a petrol automatic. They just don't make manuals for the model I wanted because, to quote the sales rep, 'Australians are lazy buggers'. 

Soon I will be the owner of high tech car with electric windows, reversing camera, bluetooth and other strange stuff. My old car had wind down widows and a broken cassette deck with a chewed up copy of Wham's Fantastic still in it. That's right, a cassette deck.

It will be an interesting journey. One with ipod connectivity.

Bite off more airbags than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Wednesday, 6 July 2016

fitness test

I took a DIY fitness test on the weekend, to see how I would cope if the zombies rise up.

The test is from Major Sam McGrath's book, The Para fitness guide ('Para', as in the elite UK paratrooper regiment). It seemed an appropriate and manly enough test for me. He breaks the results down into four levels, Civilian, Recruit, Solder and Paratrooper. So how did I stack up?

Cardiovascular Fitness Test
Do a warm up and then run 2.4 km (1.5 miles). Obviously a good test of fitness but also great practice for outrunning the walking dead. I was hoping to do under 12.30 minutes but the buzzer went off just as the end was in sight. So close.

over 12.30 minutes - score: Civilian

Strength & Muscular Endurance Tests

Push ups are a solid measure of your upper body strength and zombie whacking power. How many push ups can you do in 2 minutes? I ran out of steam but managed 71 (I have been practicing). The last dozen were painful.

71 push ups - score: Solider
Wait two minutes and then do it again with sit ups. A great test of muscular endurance. Plus we all want washboard abs, even in the zombie apocalypse.  I ran out of time so need to speed it up.   

60 push ups - score: Solider

Then the fun one, chin ups (or pull ups). An excellent measure of your body to weight strength and handy when desperately scrambling over walls to avoid the undead. Do as many as possible without letting go or touching the ground. Failed here with a mere 3.5 but getting better with more practice, already up to 3.75!

3.5 - score: Civilian

Flexibility test
This tests flexibility in your back and hamstrings, whatever they are. Being flexible is good, especially when scavenging for food off the top shelves of abandoned supermarkets. Sit on the floor with your feet against the wall. Slide your fingers along the floor towards the wall to a spot where you can hold it for about 5 seconds. Score is the distance between wall and your fingers.  

14.5 cm - score: Solider

Seeing I am too old and lazy to join any army the results are pretty positive. Have to see if I improve in a month's time.