Thursday, 21 May 2015

Dead Planet –Transport options during the apocalypse: South East Asia Edition

A few weeks ago I was in Siem Reap to celebrate Cambodian New Year. I love that town…it’s touristy yes, but it has room for walking, mango shakes for drinking and a laid back vibe for…vibing. 

Anywho, my time in Siem Reap included many fantastically random activities – like going to the circus, attending pottery class and going on a 4 hour horse ride. 

As I was uncomfortably bouncing up and down on said horse (Guide: You know how to Canter? Me: No? Guide: Okay, canter! *Horse takes off*), it occurred to me that the horse is the third animal I’ve ridden in visits to South East Asia (SEA). The first two, Elephant and Ostrich, happened a few years ago and were both terrifyingly awesome. This got me thinking, if you were abroad in SEA when the zombocalypse occurred, what are the pros and cons of using these animals as a form of end-of-the-world friendly transport? I came up with this handy chart, followed by a quiz to help you decide what animal is right for you.



Puns – Zombies are coming, let’s bale
Those absurd Elephant jokes – why did the Zombie cross the road? Because the elephant was coming
Instant folklore legend – the Zombie slaying Ostrich Rider. How could the other survivors not write a song about you?
Horses are fast and probably easier to mount than Elephants or Ostriches
Elephants have tusks and trunks that can be used for Zombie killing
Ostriches are also fast and have a powerful kick
You would totally be channeling Rick from the Walking Dead
You may get to meet Babar – King of the Elephants
If you keep your eyes peeled you might catch another speedy bird – The Roadrunner! Meep meep
Zombie danger if you run into a herd (see Walking Dead,  episode 1)
Hard to mount without assistance
Whilst fast, the Ostrich can also be unpredictable
Going fast hurts if you don’t know what you’re doing
Tusks may need regular cleaning after piercing the skulls of zombies
Riding may result in significant feather loss. Then you’re left riding a giant naked bird
Horse may refuse to drink, even if you lead it to water
You’re always, you know, the elephant in the room. (In this case the room is a metaphor for the zombocalypse world)
Ostrich may deny existence of zombies until it’s too late. May stick head in sand

A quiz to see what’s right for you…

During the Apocalypse, the most important factor in choosing a ride would be:

  1. Speed
  2. Power
  3. Ability to inspire other survivors, leading to a folk music revival for the post-apocalypse era (We shall overcoooome…the Zombies, we shall overcommmme)

Who was your favourite character in LOTR?

  1. Shadowfax
  2. The Haradrim
  3. Gollum

Do you prefer:

  1. Hair
  2. Leather
  3. Feathers

Are you allergic to peanuts?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. Unsure

What brings better luck?

  1. Horse shoe
  2. Elephant with trunk up
  3. Golden Egg 

Your perfect match...

Mostly A’s – Saddle Up! The horse is for you!

You’ll be able to pun away from those Zombies, whilst totally rocking the Walking Dead look. Just make sure you avoid the herds, adjust your stirrups and beware of the Horse’s fluid intake. 

Mostly B’s – Make way for the Elephant!

Get ready to bask in the glory of an elephant-led zombie slaughter! Think of a few randomly absurd elephant jokes and wear something nice in case you meet elephant royalty. Develop some techniques for tusks cleaning, large animal mounting and get comfortable standing out in a crowd. 

Mostly C’s – Folk it, Ostrich style!

Zombie kicking. Inspiring. Meep. Unpredictable. Naked. Sand. Enough Said. 

Rise against the risen

Miss ACE

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