Tuesday, 1 December 2015

MISS ACE: Sun Bears, Moon Bears and Zombies…oh my!

Greetings BZFers,

Last weekend I had a friend visit me in Phnom Penh. We took in many of city’s most famous sites…the National Museum, the King’s Palace and the Temple on a hill, but my favourite site was a wildlife centre that I barely knew existed.

One of the main features of said Wildlife Centre was the Sun bear. If you are unfamiliar with Sun bears, they tend to be relatively small and have short fur. Here’s one shown below in all its glory:

The Wildlife centre also had a Moon bear. Unlike Sun bears, Moon bears are bigger and have shaggy fur. I’m pretty sure this was guy was a Moon bear:

Anyways, all these bear differences got me thinking, as there are many types of bear in the bear world, there are also many types of Zombies in the Zombie world. For example:
  • Frankenstein – the first zombie (knitted together and fried back to life)
  • Jiangshi – Chinese hopping Zombies (highlighted in my last post)
  • Slow moving Zombies (aka shufflers)
  • Higher functioning Zombies (Zombies who have retained some humanity…like that guy in Warm Bodies, or Ed at the end of Shaun of the Dead)
  • Aggressive Zombies (World War Z, Zombieland)
  • Nazi Zombies (Dead Snow)
  • Space Zombies (Zombies of the Stratosphere)
  • The list could go on…
So when preparing for the zombocalypse, how does one account for the many different forms that zombies could arise in?

To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of some of the skills you will need to master to prepare for the three main types of Zombie – the shuffler, the higher functioning and the aggressive.

Zombie scenario 1: The Slow Ascent of the Shuffle Zombies


Shuffle Zombies are the ones who have lost much of their mobility along with their higher brain function. Don’t be fooled though – these guys can still be dangerous, especially if you get yourself stuck in the midst of a hoard. To stay on top of the shufflers, get some practice on:
  • Power walking - Avoid the uncoordinated dead by walking at a slightly faster pace. With a slight spring in your step, you will leave these guys in your dust and hopefully find some safety before a hoard gathers.
  • Bending over - Your mad power walking skills may have you one step ahead of the Zombies, but say you find a penny on the ground and you want to pick it up? You don’t want the Zombies to catch up to you if you are slow at bending over. So get some bending, squatting and ground movement practice in to avoid an embarrassing bite.
Zombie Scenario 2: The plight of the Higher functioning Zombies

You gotta feel a bit bad for the high functioning biters. These guys may retain a little bit of their humanity, so with each bite of human flesh comes the bitter after taste of guilt. But as well as having the ability to feel guilty, the high functioners also have our ability to plan, use tools and communicate. To keep a leg up on these guys, think about training the following:
  • Sprinting – Consider this scenario: you are making progress in communicating with your zombified loved one…they have a look in their glazed over eyes which suggests they are thinking twice about eating you…but then an idiot co-survivor makes a move that causes your zombie’s thirst for flesh to re-ignite. Having the ability to sprint away at ease will save your life and give you another attempt at taming your zombie.
  • Vaulting and climbing – As you sprint away from the Zombies, you don’t want your epic survival story to come undone if your run into traps designed by high functioning Zombies. Learning to gracefully vault, climb and land around obstacles will greatly improve your chances in evading the clever zombies.

Zombie Scenario 3: Rise of the Rage Zombies

Rage Zombies are the complete doomsday scenario. Flesh hungry monsters who can run, jump and climb without a hint of humanity. They will stop at nothing to eat you. To fight these guys, you basically need to be Batman. Master every version of martial arts, acrobatics and survival training you can find!

Here’s hoping for the shufflers!

Rise against the risen!

Miss Ace

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