Imagine if you saw Bob Dylan perform before anyone knew who he was? Played baseball with Babe Ruth when you were kids? Took classes from Barack Obama at law school? Saw Jerry Seinfeld do stand-up before he hit it big? Cast spells with Gandalf the Grey before he became Gandalf the White?
It would’ve been pretty cool, right?
Now imagine you met the first person to become a zombie, before they were a zombie!
Living in our current, pre-zombocalypse time, there’s a chance that any one of us may encounter Patient Zero before they spark the infection that sends the world into global chaos. You may have sat next to him on a bus, bumped into her on the street or flicked past their tinder profile! (In fact, Patient Zero could even be you!)
Sitting in an airport in Bangkok the other week, I had a gut feeling that when the time comes, the transformation of Patient Zero into the first ever Zombie will happen in transit - giving the Z-pathogen easy access to people from all over the earth.
It could be…
an international businessman who consumed questionable soup swimming with parasites,
a nervous first time tourist that fell into a pit of zombie venom in an uncharted area of the Amazon,
or some annoying backpacker who licked a monkey on dare and now carries the virus that will doom us all.
Whatever kind of traveler it may be, I compiled this handy list to help you spot Patient Zero at the airport! (assuming that you, yourself are not Zombie numero uno).
1) Scan the gaits at the Security Gate
Step 1 is to scope out people who could be undergoing a slow transform into a Walking Corpse. Start by checking out how well people are able to walk through the security checkpoint. If you see anyone starting to shuffle awkwardly, keep an eye on them (also, if you see someone clumsily trying to take their belt off to get through the metal detectors – be sure to point and laugh).
2) Determine their place of origin
Strike up a conversation with anyone you suspect is turning into a Zombie. Ask them where they have been. If their response sounds anything like: Zombonia or Zombiestan, the pathogen may be in their brain already and affecting their speech.
3) What are they staring at ?
When you talk to them, do they continually glance down at their phone, nervously check out that unexplained luggage in the corner OR do they look deep into your eyes? In this case you’ve either met someone who finally appreciates you for your mind OR the hunger has begun and they are trying to stare through your eyes into your delicious brain (but seriously, if there is unexplained luggage you should alert the authorities and get as far away as possible).
4) Meal choice
If you are seriously suspecting that Patient Zero is among you, before take-off you should sneakily swap the plane food menu with something like this, and see what they choose:
If they picked C, patient Zero’s transformation to Zombie may be imminent – take a selfie and post it online before the seatbelt sign gets turned on and alert the rest of the world with the following: #patient0 #worldsfirstzombie #zombocalypse #brains #theendisnigh.
Is your potential Patient Zero displaying any of the following:
- Explosive diarrhea
- Uncontrolled Sneezing
- Groaning sounds
- Biting people
Options A and B may just indicate typical travel ailments. Options C and D are common to many diseases, but may also point to impending zombification. Option E is a definite sign. Remember to aim for the head, try and isolate them in the airplane bathroom and don’t get bit! You can stop the spread…of zombies!
Rise against the Risen!