Apocalypse Hal: Time to die

How quickly will you die in a zombie apocalypse?

While many consider the zombies to be the biggest killer, mother nature has a bunch of other way to kill you. Zombies may have to take a number and be patient. 

So lets look at the basics of dying. 

Don't think it won't happen, once the zombies overrun the power stations and coffee shops, exposure and dehydration will be serious issues. 

Bite off more brains than you can chew little zombies.

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: Colloquial zombie

According to the Macquarie dictionary, there is another type of zombie. One that hides among us today. Maybe there is one at your workplace, or living in your street. Maybe your teenager is one.

We are talking about the derogatory or colloquial use of the word zombie to describe someone with no independent judgement or intelligence.

Using the word zombie to describe these people has been around for a long while but the rise of social media has given it a bit more popularity. You would have seen the various memes about people walking along staring at their phones as being zombies.  

Not that I am suggesting social media causes people to become fedora wearing, quinoa eating, latte sipping Facebook addicts. Nah. That's caused by a chemical the Government secretly adds to bottled water.

Bite off more quinoa than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: Zombie Speed and Range Chart

If you are being chased by zombies it is handy to know how far away they are, and therefore how much time you have before they reach you. It can mean knowing when to leisurely sip your latte or gulp it down.  

So get practicing judging distance.

Like an artist you can use your thumb to gauge scale and distance. Basically a zombie will look smaller the further in the distance it is. By comparing the zombie against you thumb held out at arms length, you can learn to estimate how far away the zombie by comparing it's size against your thumb. 

Not sure exactly how it work, the diagram I found on the internet was in Russian.

Anyway the average Australian male is 175.6 cm tall while the average Australian woman is 161.8 cm tall. Hope that helps. Probably not.

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Deep down dark

Remember those 33 Chilean miners who got trapped underground in a mine disaster back in 2010. This is their story and it is gripping read about the human spirit.

It all happen because a rock fell and blocked the only tunnel out of the mine. A large rock, a rock the size of a skyscraper they called the megabloque.


It was during those first 17 days, before the first bore hole reached them and gave them contact to the world, that were most difficult. There was little food and so they were all slowly starving to death. The single meal for the day may be a spoonful of tuna or a biscuit. As time dragged out it was 2 or 3 days between these tiny meals. When they found a single peach slice they missed from a previous meal, they sliced it into 33 tiny portions to share.

During those 17 days they banded together, prayed together and helped each other out. Although there were some factions among the group, there was a sense of unity. When the rescuers make contact, and starting supplying food, water and information through the bore hole, that is when the unity started to crack. These simple working men became instant celebrities. And millionaires too, after the richest man in Chile gave all the miners a million dollars while they were still trapped underground. (Note - In Chile a million pesos is not a lot, maybe a couple of year's salary). Finally after 69 days they were hoisted to the surface but that was not the end of their story.

Survival didn't stop when they escaped the mine, it continued on in the years that followed. Some lost their money because friends and relatives where constantly begging for loans they never paid back. Most suffered PTSD. One would sit at night in the dark living room with his miner's helmet and lamp on. Those that got jobs straight away and carried on with a normal life seemed to cope the best.

For a survival aspect, it is the way the group interacted that is fascinating. For that reason alone the book is worth reading. Plus I discovered a new word, borborygmus, the scientific name for tummy rumbles, which can be a very loud sound when they are 33 of you starving.

Bite off more peach slice than you can chew.

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: Change Impact and Readiness

A while back I talked psychographics and defined the four archetypes of the apocalypse. Plus a zombie. All that was a lead up to a really cool info-diagram using an apartment block.

Okay, there is more to it than that. The zombie apocalypse will impact on each archetype differently, and they all have different levels of readiness. So Silly Non Believers will be impacted the most, because they are totally unprepared. Preppers and Survivalists on the other hand are better prepared and so will be impacted the least. 

That's the theory.


Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

MISS ACE: Sun Bears, Moon Bears and Zombies…oh my!

Greetings BZFers,

Last weekend I had a friend visit me in Phnom Penh. We took in many of city’s most famous sites…the National Museum, the King’s Palace and the Temple on a hill, but my favourite site was a wildlife centre that I barely knew existed.

One of the main features of said Wildlife Centre was the Sun bear. If you are unfamiliar with Sun bears, they tend to be relatively small and have short fur. Here’s one shown below in all its glory:

The Wildlife centre also had a Moon bear. Unlike Sun bears, Moon bears are bigger and have shaggy fur. I’m pretty sure this was guy was a Moon bear:

Anyways, all these bear differences got me thinking, as there are many types of bear in the bear world, there are also many types of Zombies in the Zombie world. For example:

• Frankenstein – the first zombie (knitted together and fried back to life)
• Jiangshi – Chinese hopping Zombies (highlighted in my last post)
• Slow moving Zombies (aka shufflers)
• Higher functioning Zombies (Zombies who have retained some humanity…like that guy in Warm Bodies, or Ed at the end of Shaun of the Dead)
• Aggressive Zombies (World War Z, Zombieland)
• Nazi Zombies (Dead Snow)
• Space Zombies (Zombies of the Stratosphere)
• The list could go on…

So when preparing for the zombocalypse, how does one account for the many different forms that zombies could arise in?

To get you started, I’ve compiled a list of some of the skills you will need to master to prepare for the three main types of Zombie – the shuffler, the higher functioning and the aggressive.

Zombie scenario 1: The Slow Ascent of the Shuffle Zombies

 

Shuffle Zombies are the ones who have lost much of their mobility along with their higher brain function. Don’t be fooled though – these guys can still be dangerous, especially if you get yourself stuck in the midst of a hoard. To stay on top of the shufflers, get some practice on:

• Power walking - Avoid the uncoordinated dead by walking at a slightly faster pace. With a slight spring in your step, you will leave these guys in your dust and hopefully find some safety before a hoard gathers.

• Bending over - Your mad power walking skills may have you one step ahead of the Zombies, but say you find a penny on the ground and you want to pick it up? You don’t want the Zombies to catch up to you if you are slow at bending over. So get some bending, squatting and ground movement practice in to avoid an embarrassing bite.

Zombie Scenario 2: The plight of the Higher functioning Zombies

 

You gotta feel a bit bad for the high functioning biters. These guys may retain a little bit of their humanity, so with each bite of human flesh comes the bitter after taste of guilt. But as well as having the ability to feel guilty, the high functioners also have our ability to plan, use tools and communicate. To keep a leg up on these guys, think about training the following:

• Sprinting – Consider this scenario: you are making progress in communicating with your zombified loved one…they have a look in their glazed over eyes which suggests they are thinking twice about eating you…but then an idiot co-survivor makes a move that causes your zombie’s thirst for flesh to re-ignite. Having the ability to sprint away at ease will save your life and give you another attempt at taming your zombie.

• Vaulting and climbing – As you sprint away from the Zombies, you don’t want your epic survival story to come undone if your run into traps designed by high functioning Zombies. Learning to gracefully vault, climb and land around obstacles will greatly improve your chances in evading the clever zombies.

Zombie Scenario 3: Rise of the Rage Zombies

Rage Zombies are the complete doomsday scenario. Flesh hungry monsters who can run, jump and climb without a hint of humanity. They will stop at nothing to eat you. To fight these guys, you basically need to be Batman. Master every version of martial arts, acrobatics and survival training you can find!

Here’s hoping for the shufflers!

Rise against the risen!

Miss Ace

Real Estate Special - bunkers, bunkers, bunkers

The weekend is a great time for checking out real estate, and these days you can do it from the comfort of your own couch using the internet. Here are few bunkers I spotted.

Army surplus
South of Georgia, US there is an ex military bunker for sale, a steal at $23.9 million. And I suspect that is US dollars. Called “The Facility”, this underground bunker has 90cm thick walls that can withstand a 20-kilton nuclear blast. So keeping out zombies should be a piece of cake. There are decontamination showers, first-aid room, high tech CCTV security systems and outdoor firearm range.

Luxury digs
If you can stretch your budget from millions to billions, you may be interested in the The Oppidum, a sprawling underground bunker located in the Czechoslovakian countryside. It features all the essentials for surviving a zombie apocalypse. Underground there is a spa, cinema, library, and conference room while up top there is the tennis court and golf course. Naturally there are also more mundane things like communications equipment, water filtration, medical and surgical facilities. They boast that you could live in this bunker for 10 years, if you can afford the rates.

It is so secure, even the official website needs a security code to access.

Lucky find
Or you may just be lucky like a California couple who discovered the home they bought came complete with a 1960s nuclear fallout shelter. If that was not enough, this fallout shelter turned out to literally be a time capsule, still stocked up with 60's vintage supplies. No cinema here, just a bunch of old sci fi magazines.

DIY option
For the budget conscious there is always the DIY option and you can take inspiration from Colin Furze, who is a bit of an inventor and tinker. He built his own bunker in his back yard. Basically he put a metal box in a hole, then covered it in concrete. Unlike a 1960 fallout shelter, this bunker is more modern with flat screen TV, gaming consoles and drum kit. Check out his YouTube channel for details.


Bite of more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: The Lost Art of Bludgeoning

One day you may have to bludgeon an undead Professor Plum, in the Observatory, with a Pipe. So learn to do it right, with physics!

First up, I am bad at any of the sciences that involve numbers and calculators instead of scalpels and squiggly organs. So don't let me near your linear particle accelerator. 

It took days of research to do this issue, and I realise now I have it all wrong. These are equations for linear motion while swinging a weapon requires equations for rotational motion, such as angular velocity. 

But hey you get the idea. Pick a blunt instrument with some length, a bit of mass but not enough to make it awkward to use, and make sure it has a small impact area. Then hit that zombie as fast as you can! Easy.
 

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Everything you ever wanted to know about zombies

Pages packed to the portals with petrifying, putrid, um undead.

Part zombie history, part survival manual and part entertainment guide, this book promises a lot, but I'm not sure it quite delivers. With such a boastful title you would expect Matt Mogk to have put together an exceptional book. After all, Matt is considered to be the leading global authority on all things zombie, having been on various TV shows including the National Geographic Channel.

The first section deals with zombies. What they are and their history. I found this the most interesting and I learned quite a bit of pop culture. Matt sticks to the classic concept of zombies being the dead brought back to life. As a biologist I find that hard to accept (I personally favor the infected living type of zombie).

The second part is basic survival information, tailored a bit to suit a zombie apocalypse. It would be hard to expect this book to be a true zombie survival guide, Max Brook has already done that. So while Matt gives a good overview he but does not add anything groundbreaking in terms of zombie survival.

The last section is around pop culture and more contemporary zombie stuff. Zombies on the big and small screen, video games, zombie conventions and more! It is a pretty comprehensive examination and shows just how far reaching the humble zombie has staggered.

There is some good bits of information in this book, like zombies doing the Levy Walk. Also, according to Matt's calculations, Australia is the top country to be in when the zombies rise up. Being a country girted by sea and having a low population density gives us the edge on everyone else. It is great that we are finally recognised as being the lucky country.

A good book but somehow could have been better. Having founded the Zombie Research Society, Matt has created a society of over 60,000 zombie academics across six continents. You can also check out Matt's advice on the Zombie Research Society website.


Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: Blankie

Everyone should have a security blankie and there is nothing better in a zombie apocalypse than a survival security blankie. Also referred to as a space blanket or Mylar blanket.

Their main function is to keep you butt alive in cold weather but they have many other uses. On Dual Survival they make hot air signal balloon out of one. Team it up with a clear plastic emergency poncho, paracord and some duct tape and you are good for about anything.

The SOL Heatsheet blankets are pretty tough but there are heaps of other different types to choose from. Heavy duty ones, sleep bags, tube tents and breathable bivy bags. Or if desperate, grab a reflective car windscreen sun blind which, while small, has the bonus of insulating bubble wrap. 


Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal: Active Zombie Pocket Card

A few weeks back I did the Active Shooter online training course. There was a handy card you could print off to carry with you. You know, to remind you to run.

So I naturally applied the idea to zombies.

If you print this as A4 it's too big for a pocket but ok for handbags, glove boxes and sticking on the back of the toilet door. You will have to fiddle with the print size to get it down to the size of a credit card. Then you can keep it next to your security pass and always be prepared.  

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

DEAD PLANET: Zombies from around the world – The Jiangshi!

Greetings BZFers,
 
I am being stalked. In a good way. Kind of. Let me explain.
 
Several years ago, when I was about 10, my best friend introduced me to one of the greatest films of all time – Mr Vampire.

 
                                                 Mr Vampire Theatrical poster. 

Made in Hong Kong in 1985, Mr Vampire has everything – horror, comedy, action, romance. An instant classic, the film also boasts top-notch special effects and a high quality, iconic soundtrack. 

Mr Vampire also features…(pause for effect) the Jiangshi!

The Jiangshi is a vampire/zombie type creature in Chinese folklore - it’s a reanimated corpse, it feeds off the living, it moves around at night. By hopping. Seriously. 
 
Since moving to south east Asia, I have had various encounters with the Jiangshi which makes me think I am being stalked by these hopping ghouls. I have recounted the Jiangshi sightings below. Judge for yourself:

Stalk 1: Randomly Rural Jiangshi
The first Jiangshi appearance happened when I was on my first work field trip in Kampong Chhnang province of Cambodia. I was riding on the back of my colleague’s motorbike, headed to a village a few hours way to conduct a community screening for Tuberculosis. We stopped for breakfast at a small strip of roadside shops - I had no idea where we were, but tractors were rolling by, half-feathered chickens were roaming around and in the distance I could see a satellite dish attached to a tree. As I was enjoying my breakfast of chicken and rice, I heard a familiar sound coming from the TV behind me…Mr Vampire was playing! 

I’m not sure what are the odds are of seeing your favourite 1985 Hong Kong Zombie movie playing in rural Cambodia, but my guess is it’s quite small…and what makes it even weirder is that just as I was leaving, the movie cut out and the screen went to what seemed like a Cambodian version of 'no signal' – so it was only playing when I was there…Coincidence, I think not!

Stalk 2: Golden Jiangshi in Bangkok
The second unexpected Jiangshi stalk incident came up on a brief trip to Thailand when I was loitering around a giant shopping mall. I was waiting for my next tour to start…then I saw them. Tiny golden Jiangshi toys. My reaction was slightly embarrassing…I audibly gasped and blew my budget buying all four available versions of the little guys. Totally worth it. Here they are at my old house in Kampong Chhnang, hanging out with my bunnies (Snuff and Butter) and a weird Ultraman figure I also bought in Thailand. I also made some stop action films using a spirit house as a move set:
 
Zombies vs Bunnies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4u6npOqUU4
The Hungriest Zombie https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OO15SKUmuU

Stalk 3: Colourful Jiangshi in Singapore
Just when you thought finding Golden Jiangshi in Bangkok were a surprise, a few months later I encountered coloured versions of Jiangshi in Singapore! These guys were in a toy museum (they were for sale, I did not heist them), but again they caused me to audibly gasp and blow budget. Here they are in original packaging before I opened them:

Now they all now live happily together with their golden brothers in my new apartment in Phnom Penh:
 

 

We are Jiangshi! We are available in many shapes, sizes and colours! Jiangshi unite!

Stalk 4: Halloween Horror Nights Universal Studios Singapore
The final Jiangshi sighting (so far) happened during Cambodia’s week-long public holiday to commemorate Pchum Ben (a festival to honour one’s ancestors). So naturally, I headed to Singapore so I could check out Universal Studio’s Halloween Horror Nights! 

Halloween Horror Nights is an annual event when Universal Studios turns the park into a massive Halloween fest. There were four differently themed haunted houses and three scare zones. One such scare zone was called ‘Hungry Ghosts’ and featured various freaky creatures from Chinese folklore, including – you guessed it – the Jiangshi! 

Again, I got a little too excited and made an audible gasp when I saw him. I also may have followed him around for a bit when he was trying to scare the other guests.  

A few random things you may notice about this full size Jiangshi (according to Wikipedia):

• His stylish pyjamas: These aren’t really pyjamas, but they are official garments from the Qing Dynasty  
• His skin: Some Jiangshi have greenish-white skin, this is thought to be representative of fungus or mould growing on the corpse. 
• His outstretched hands: The Chinese character for ‘jiang’ means ‘hard’ or ‘stiff’. This stiffness means the Jiangshi cannot bend it’s limbs or body, so as I mentioned above, it hops around and uses the outstretched arms for mobility #themoreyouknow

To see some Jiangshi action for yourself, here’s the trailer for the Mr Vampire movie. Watch it now. Thank me later. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2TOOAlZ8nlc
 
So there you have it friends…four supposedly ‘random’ Jiangshi encounters in 6 months! 

Are the Jiangshi stalking me? Or have I turned the tables and started stalking them? Only time will tell…
 

Rise against the Risen!
 
Miss ACE

Apocalypse Hal - Takedowns 2

Now the techniques for taking down a zombie. It is kind of like dancing, dancing with the undead.

Remember to use the zombie's momentum against them. If they pushing you, you pull them off balance. If they are pulling you towards them, you push back. Utilise the Aikido principles of entering and blending! See it's easy.


Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal - Takedowns 1

Here is a little secret. 

No matter how tough a zombie appears, they can't defeat gravity. And gravity could save your life in a zombie fight. In other words you get the zombie unbalanced, and let gravity smack them to the ground. 

Once on the ground the zombie's fighting ability is restricted. They may also be stunned from the fall and you will have time before the zombie can get to it's feet again. So when the zombie is down, you can destroy it or run away.

But first you need to know how to take a zombie down.

It is important you apply a force in the direction the zombie is most unstable. Next week we will examine the different techniques you can use to apply this force. 


Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal - Cranial targets

When fighting a zombie you need to take them down fast. But zombies are resistant to pain so many of the pain inducing techniques used in martial arts won't work. Putting a wrist lock on a zombie is just asking for trouble.

Most zombie manuals will talk about destroying the brain and there is good sense in that. You are not relying on pain to control the zombie but brain damage to destroy it. Being a professional zombie survivalist you will want to know exactly which cranial targets will destroy, or at least stun, a zombie. So here there are.

Impacts to any of these areas on a human can be fatal, so hopefully it will apply to zombies too. However life is unpredictable and a stunning blow to the branchial plexus may take out a zombie completely while another zombie may not even notice a hefty whack to the temple. There are no guarantees so be prepared for situations where it doesn't work the first time.

In these situations there is a simple trick you can use, but that is another lesson. 

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalpyse Hal - Humping the swag

Gee that heading sounds, um, interesting. But I am talking about the old time swag, or bedroll, used in the early colonial days. So if you don't have a fancy bug out bag when the zombies make you run for your life, then you can always throw a swag together. 

A sheet of plastic, like a plastic shower curtain, can be used as a waterproof groundsheet or improvised tarp. Woolen blankets are warm, if itchy. Throw in some clothes and other gear, fold over the edges and roll it all up. Tie the bundle at each end and add a loop for carrying across the shoulder. 

For the more advance swagperson, there is the optional extra of adding a dillybag. This is hung over the other shoulder and helps counterbalance the weight of the bedroll. Store your frequently used items, like your smartphone and makeup, in the dillybag so they are easy to grab when you need to take a selfie.  

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalpse Hal - The dynamic sphere

More zones! Which I stole from an excellent book on Aikido. 

Here we are applying  zones to your main enemy, the brain craving zombie. As Roger Ma explained in his The Zombie Combat Manual, there is a 'fatal funnel' where the zombies main weapons are focused. That is handy to know but there is more to it than that. You need to be aware of the zombie's peripheral vision and hearing. 

Basically, sneaking quietly up behind a zombie and attacking the head is the way to go. Preferably with some long weapon (like a pry bar) that amplifies the impact force and puts some distance between you and the blood splatter. Choosing the right target area and hitting it accurately is vital, otherwise the zombie is just going to get a headache and become very cranky.

Note that this dynamic sphere applies to humans too. Zombies will apply the same technique of sneaking up quietly behind you. So remember to be in condition yellow, regularly check your six and ensure an empty Tueller zone. Wow, I sound like some kind of professional zombie hunter. 

Bite off more than you can chew.

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal - In the zone

Another lesson in self defence against zombies 

Don't let zombies get close. Pretty simple huh? For those who want the advanced version there are some standard 'zones' used in martial arts and law enforcement that are worth being conscious of. 

There are a few versions of these zones and the spacing will vary and are also dependent on your body size. Taller people will have a slightly longer reach. Stronger people will be able to hold a longer chainsaw.

Not only do these zones dictate what techniques and weapons you can use, there is also changes in the level of risk. Now some martial artists may argue that being in really close with an attacker is actually safer, because this limits the attacker's power and techniques. A skilled fighter can then use this to their advantage. However, with zombies the closer they are the higher the risk of you getting infected. You may defeat a zombie in a close combat fight, but all that grappling means scratches, bites and body fluid splatter. 

So go all Daryl Dixon and crossbow* the undead before they get close enough to harm you. 

Bite off more than you can chew

Mr Rimsky


* Note crossbows are illegal in Australia but in America you can buy them at Walmart.

Build the perfect survival kit

Now most survival books will have a chapter or section on making a survival kit. But you know there are so many types of survival kits, you could write a whole book on them. Oh wait, someone has.

Toss away the scrapbooking, making survival kits is the new fad. And its fun for all the whole family with so much to chose from, everyday carry, vehicle kits, bug out bags and boat kits. John McCann is a guy who takes survival kits to a new level, he even shows how to put a survival kit in a bamboo walking stick.You know, just in case.

The book covers the basic components you should induce in a survival kit. The usual stuff like fire, shelter, signalling etc. If you are a gear junkie then you will enjoy checking out all the products John discusses. There are even some items John has created himself. However, some of these cool products may be hard to get in Australia. Maybe you can get away with ordering online, if you really want that CAT Tourniquet.  

There are lot of useful hits, like how you can fold an aluminum foil pan flat, and store it in your kit. It make a good emergency container for boiling water or making roadkill meatloaf. And there are lots of item lists for mini, small, medium and large kits. After reading this book you there are no excuses for not having at least three survival kits ready for the zombie apocalypse.

This is the updated second edition and so contains even more survival! 


Bite off more meatloaf than you can chew

Mr Rimsky

Apocalypse Hal - More OODA

When too much OODA is not enough. 

In this chart I have added a few more details to the OODA steps and used Cooper's colour code to show your possible state of awareness in each stage. The United States Marine Corp use some of these principles in their combat profiling course. Marines are trained to look for anomalies that stand out against what should be a normal situation. Like you may suspect a person in the local market is being up to no good because they are always looking over there shoulder. Naturally it is easier to spot zombies.

But one odd thing or bit of strange behaviour may not mean anything serious is going to happen. So there is a threshold set. For example three odd things would be considered enough to trigger making a decision. That decision is probably a based on series of predetermined acts, for zombies, run, hide or fight would be a good set. In the first instance you would run but if this was not possible, hiding would be next. Fighting would be the last resort.

The colour code is a guide. Your state of awareness will vary depending on the situation. In a low stress situation you may just stay in condition Yellow as you keep cycling through the loop, avoiding zombies before they can get to you. But if things get desperate and you find yourself into a fight to the death with a zombie, you will move up to condition Red and as stay there. You will keep cycling through the loop as you deal with each attack the zombie throws at you. 

In the worst case scenario you go to condition Black and you start to falter. The zombies then get to eat your brains. 

Bite off more OODA than you can chew 

Mr Rimsky